The Shit We Do...

Another one for the moms.

If you’ve been following my Substack game for the last 6 months then you’ve probably noticed that I have two speeds: refined, well-edited think piece writing or stream-of-consciousness chicken scratch that my literary professors in college would probably balk at. No in between. This piece is likely going to be the latter. Prepare accordingly.

So this week I’m embarking on another 14+ hour travel day with my two kids ages 7 and 4. Now, for those of you who think girls are more docile than boys, let me just reintroduce you to my kiddos. They both have the mental warfare capabilities of a female but the tactical takedown maneuvers of an MMA fighter.

And now before you go all “but those traits are going to make them so successful later in life” eh hem yes I know and if it doesn’t then I’ll hire them to be my bodyguards or something. I don’t know guys. Elle might be the next Ronda Rousey, we’re not sure. Until then, I have had to get real creative to find ways to keep them busy when we’re on the go. Idle time is the devil’s workshop and I’ve seen the Satanic side to these two heathens and it ain’t nothing I want to encounter at an airport when I’m cortisolmaxxing.

Speaking of, I will be doubling my dose of my Cortisol Manager leading up to and on the day of travel. If you haven’t added it to you supplement regiment yet, do you like being a dysregulated danger to society. I don’t think so. Order it. Now.

Anyways, I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about how to keep my kids from embarrassing me in public and today’s rumination was all about ways to keep them entertained on the planes, trains, and automobiles that are going to be coming up over the next 3 weeks.

I’m thinking less in terms of bribes and more in terms of novelty on this one. Sure, I’ll have a little help from my friend Kindle Fire and will basically adopt playground rules for the entire trek but I have also come up with a pretty epic list consisting of surprises, missions, role plays, and cheap thrills.

Thank me later…

The Tiny Store

Bring a tiny zippered pouch with 20-30 tiny trinkets your kids would sell their soul for. We’re talking 3D printed poppers, squishies, lipgloss, Chinese finger traps (a personal fave) - you know, all the things kids are hooked on these days.

Every hour or two they earn “airport dollars” for:

• using inside voices

• helping with bags

• waiting patiently

• buckling quickly

• being kind to each other

etc.

Every now and again or at predictable intervals (say, after the flight) they get to cash in on their earnings. Be sure to price everything differently so they can get an authentic inflation experience.

Other ideas of things to include:

• mochi squishy

• lip balm

• tiny notebook

• fun eraser

• temporary tattoo

• hair clip

• mini LEGO packet

• Japanese candy

• Pokémon card

• tiny animal figurine

• friendship bracelet

The choosing becomes the entertainment.

A slightly easier alternative to this for those who feel like this is maybe just beyond the scope of participation they want for a travel day. Direct deposit whatever they earned for their good deeds onto their Greenlight cards for them to use throughout the trip. And if you don’t have a Greenlight card for your kids yet, do yourself a big old favor and make it happen.

Dice of Destiny

Bring one singular dice (die? di?) and set a “value” for every number (1-6).

Example for what each number could mean:

• #1: tell a joke

• #2: say a would you rather

• #3: do a 20 second dance

• #4: draw something and we have to guess what it is

• #5: make up a story (has to be a minimum of 2 minutes)

• #6: think of an animal and we have to ask yes or no questions to figure out what it is

Kids LOVE randomness and this involves very minimal ingredients and prep. This is strangely be a big hit.

Secret Mission Envelopes

Instead of saying “be good” or whispering sweet sweet empty threats into their ears, turn the travel day into a secret mission…

Give sealed envelopes labeled:

Open after takeoff.

Open after lunch.

Open when you feel bored.

Open before landing.

Inside:

• sticker sheet

• joke

• scavenger hunt

• challenge

• mini prize

• drawing prompt

The anticipation is half the fun.

Vacation Reporter Kit

Each gets:

• small notebook

• pencil

• maybe a magnifying glass just performatively

Their job:

Interview people (family or friendly looking people only)

Review the food.

Rate the bathrooms.

Give the flight a 0-5 overall rating with detailed overview of takeoff, landing, handling of turbulence, drink service etc.

You, as mom (or dad but let’s be honest it’s moms reading this) can even pre-write some interview style prompts in the notebook to keep the ruse up.

Then share the findings at some point throughout the trip. This activity turns them into observers instead of complainers.

Painter’s Tape

One tiny roll.

Seriously underrated.

Use it to:

• make roads on tray tables

• tape tiny toys

• build mazes

• make tic tac toe boards

• create obstacle courses on hotel floors

It peels right off. Babies love it. Toddlers love it. Hell, even husbands love it. Simple human beings.

Hidden Ducks

You’ve heard this one from me before but I buy a bulk package of tiny ducks and hide them around wherever we are and the kids have to go try to find as many as they can. Low cost, high ROI.

Golden Tickets

Print (and laminate if you have a lamination fetish like me) 5 golden tickets to hide around a hotel room, airport, train station, or Airbnb.

Redeem for:

• fun snack

• 5 minute back massage

• under $10 gift at nearby shop

• sitting by Mom

• gum

etc.

Rainbow Hunt

Challenge:
Find something of every color in the airport.

Works shockingly well. And keeps them busy.

I also do this 5-4-3-2-1 steps when I am dealing with an anxious or overtired child which is:

• 5 things you can see

• 4 things you can touch

• 3 things you can hear

• 2 things you can smell

• 1 thing you can taste

Spa Flight

This one’s for the girls. Pack up a little disposable bag filled with spa day essentials like:

• face mist

• lip balm

• lotion

• silk scrunchie

• fuzzy socks

etc.

Labe it:

“First Class Spa Time.”

Kids LOVE rituals. Even if you are sitting way back in economy, you can trick your kids into feeling like their living their best life in first class. You, on the other hand, will need much more than some chapstick to have a first class fever dream. Make your husband make you one of these with nicer shit and maybe like a melatonin (or stronger).

Mystery Bag

One opaque bag.

Inside:

• random objects from the travel day like a disposable fork, luggage tag, bag of pretzels from the flight, chapstick etc. Really anything goes. One man’s trash is another man’s game with her kids.

Kids reach in without looking and describe what they’re feeling. And then they try to guess what it is.

Surprisingly easy & entertaining.

Collaborative Story

Start:

“Once there was a girl who got trapped inside an airport...”

Take turns adding one sentence.

Write it down. Read it at the end.

Dollar Store Prizes

Wrap 4-5 inexpensive Dollar Store trinkets in tissue paper. Kids can earn one every hour on the flight or whatever intervals you so choose.

Opening them throughout the flight drones up anticipation and give them something to look forward to (and behave for).

Sock Puppet Theater

Two clean socks.

Draw faces.

Kids perform shows behind tray tables. Sounds stupid and it is. But kids love stupid. And you should get an airport cocktail and enjoy the show.

Things parents forget that make the biggest difference

• Binder clips to clip blankets to tray tables and keep them from sliding off.

• A mini pop-up laundry bag for trash and dirty clothes.

• A collapsible silicone water bottle that packs flat once empty.

• A few gallon-size zip-top bags for half-eaten snacks, wet clothes, or surprise messes.

• A change of clothes for both kids - trust me, the only time you’ll need this is when you forget to pack it.

• A retractable charging cable with multiple connectors so you’re not juggling different cords.

• SNACKS, SNACKS, and MORE SNACKS

• Lovies for overnight flights

• Corded headphones because nobody has the bandwidth to deal with bluetooth headphones that run out of battery

• On that note: a portable battery pack for on the go charging!

I have a few more deeply unhinged ideas packed for this trip that haven’t yet survived field testing. If they work, I’ll report back. If you never hear about them again...assume the worst.

And if you have an airport hack that’s weird enough to sound fake but somehow works, leave it in the comments. Those are my favorite kind.

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